And so it goes…

ultrasound

I’m broken.

Last month I received the news that I have been waiting since January for – I have one partial tear on the supraspinatus tendon and a complete tear of the subscapularis tendon. I also have chronic tissue build up in the joint along with either too much fluid in the bursa, or, sometimes too little. An ultrasound scan of the shoulder confirmed it all. We knew there was some kind of a tear in the shoulder but we were not prepared for two tears (when I say we I am talking about the doctor and I).

I am off work until further notice. This has me sad. Very sad. There were so many jobs available a few days before the first day of school but I could not accept any of them. Due to the nature of my job and subsequent duties, the doctor feels that my job is too risky and could compromise my shoulder further if something should happen. I miss the kids like crazy and although I visited them the first day of school and it made my heart happy, it feels very weird to not be going to work and makes my heart a little sad that I can be there. I’m sure that the rest of the school population is wondering where I am and I appreciate that. They mean a lot to me and I am looking forward to visiting them in the near future.

I do have a surgery consult at the end of this month to look forward to. I have been doing research to prepare myself for surgery and the long road of recovery. I could be faced with two types of surgery – scope or complete exploration of the shoulder. The scope can provide a shorter length of recovery while a complete exploration can give me an entire year of recovery. Either way, I am ready. I’ve been wanting this problem solved, and fixed, since January. When your arm is in constant pain, you’re unable to sleep, unable to do duties at work and your daily chores at home, including limited range of motion and function of the arm – you know something is terribly wrong.

Confession time – There are moments when I feel completely useless. I am restricted from doing a lot of things and that includes what I do at home. There are days when I can do some things and be extremely limited and then there are days where I can’t do a darn thing. Brushing my hair, and washing it, is becoming difficult; holding a dish in my hand – well, on the bad days… you can scratch that off the list. I’m now restricted from lifting items over 5 lbs – 2 lbs is stretching it. I can’t push or pull using my right arm and I have to watch how I rest it.

Out of all these negatives, there are positives. The universe is giving me the green light to rest for the next year and focus on repairing my arm. The adjustment period is difficult but I am accepting this new journey with half open arms (that’s a little humor for you, I can’t extend my right arm outward).

There is also one more positive to look at – I can watch all the Days of Our Lives and Maury that my heart desires!