High School graduation, June 2000
I have a confession to make. As I sit here on the eve of my convocation, I’m nervous and a little scared. I’m not scared because I’m being released into the big bag world and know that I don’t have to start from scratch; I’m scared and nervous because I feel like this is all a dream and tomorrow when I show up, it will all be taken away from me. I had this conversation with my friend over the weekend and I shared how it feels not real at the moment. This should have happened three years ago (like they university said, long story) and not tomorrow. I’m afraid that I will receive a phone call from administration telling me that they made a mistake and I won’t graduate because I actually failed that math class or they miscalculated my GPS. I have a lot of self-doubt that I have been trying to work on, but for some reason, tomorrow feels like a mirage.
I know that I’ll show up tomorrow and everything will be okay. I’ll walk across the stage and transition from graduand to graduate. My diploma will be mine, no ifs ands or buts about it. After tomorrow my whole life changes and I’m pretty excited about it. Next week I find out my practicum placement and receive my schedule; before I know it, it is the end of August and I’ll be in orientation and then right into the thick of it all. In just two short years I’ll potentially have my own classroom.
I think I know why I’m feeling this way – the three important people, aside from my parents, who I want to be there will not be there. My grandparents and my beloved aunt. My grandparents did not attend my high school graduation, but they were alive and well and super excited that I was graduating. When I was accepted into university, they were thrilled because they didn’t get the opportunity to a higher education. My aunt, my darling aunt. She was my biggest cheerleader and was at every important event; she was only a phone call away and was the first to learn of anything new and exciting. When the first go at graduation didn’t happen, she looked at me and said, “Shit happens. Take your time off, work, and go back. That’s all you can do.” Just thinking about her not being there makes me extremely sad and very teary eyed. I didn’t know how much I missed her until now. I know they’ll all be there in spirit, but it is not the same.
That’s it. That is why I have this doubt. I know I passed all the required courses, worked my butt off so my GPA was good and I received Senate confirmation. I have doubt because the important people that I love won’t be there tomorrow, in the physical sense. It’s going to be the most emotional day and I am glad that this chapter is finally complete. Tomorrow is my day and I’m going to celebrate it.
Make it so.